Toys, Toys, and more Toys: A Turkmen Wedding Story
Our Big Fat American Turkmen wedding
Prologue
This past week marked an occasion that has never been done by PCVs while in service in Turkmenistan, two PCVs got married "sort of" twice in one night. Before I get to what actually happened at the wedding, I want to give you a better idea of what exactly is a Turkmen Toy (Turkmen word for wedding.)
Turkmenistan is a land where tradition and respect for what the elders of the family say carries much more weight than the individual opinion. While this may be true in certain aspects of life, there are still many people within Turkmenistan that fall in love, just as we do in the states, and then decide to get married. However, a majority of marriages here in Turkmenistan are arranged.
Before you jump to the conclusion that this practice is an infringement of personal freedom, think about something that one of my Turkmen friends recently said to me, "You, in America have so many marriages that end in divorce. The thing is that you in America you get to know the person, fall in love with them and then you get married. Then when you think that you no longer love that person it is time to move on. But here, there are many people that get married and then learn to fall in love with the person they married." I am not advocating either way, I just want to give you both sides of the story.
So the way, at least that I have learned that Turkmen men and women get married is the process that follows. A guy, depends on the age but generally ranges anywhere from 21 to 26 meets a girl that they like and then tells his parents. Oh keep in mind, that younger male siblings can not get married before the elder males do. There have been a couple of instances, like that of my host grandmother and grandfather from training that loved each other so much that they ran off together despite the feelings of their family. This resulted in much like a member of the Amish community choosing to live outside of the community, they were ostracized and left with nothing but what they had with them. Tales like this of romantic runaway newlyweds are far and few between here in Turkmenistan. However, there are many cases where both the girl and the guy want to get married, but in most cases that I have seen while here, the girl usually has to hide her feelings for the one that she loves unless the family approves of her marriage. Many times girls have to keep their boyfriend(s) secret from their family so as not to destroy the image of the virtuousness and cleanliness as a woman.
I find it interesting the reactions of Turkmen when I tell them that I am going back to the US in December because my little brother is getting married. Usually, I get a shake of the head as if telling me, those crazy Americans what will they do next.
Anyways, so after the eldest available son tells his parents that he is interested in a girl, the parents arrange a meeting with the girl's parents. At this meeting or interview as I like to call it, the parents talk about the traits of both the girl (can she cook, does she know how to keep house, etc.) and the guy (does he have a job, if so what type of a job, what type of car does he have, etc.) After it is agreed upon that the girl and the boy both have desirable traits for one another, the bargaining begins. Depending on the grooms family and the bride the initial price can range anywhere from $2,000 to $5,000+. This includes the dowry itself as well as jewelry and other possessions that the bride's family asks for, usually it is furniture or a car of some sort.
There are many that may think that the practice of giving a dowry or more blunt terms "buying" a bride is a way of subjugating women. However, if you think about it that the bride is a valuable work force around the house add to that the bride will be living with the grooms family and add to that this practice has been in place for centuries its a bit easier to understand why it happens.
After the price is settled, the planning for the wedding begins. The planning for a wedding is very similar to that of an American wedding. They have to find a place to have the wedding, usually this is at a Toyzal (translated into wedding center, but really its a banquet hall reserved for toys), finding someone to document the wedding, reserving the brides dress and preparing the food. You will notice that I did not include the finding of a preacher or justice of the peace to administer the wedding, this is because in Turkmen weddings there is no exchange of vows or the saying of "I do." But I am getting ahead of myself.
The dress of Turkmen weddings is something to behold. Several days before the wedding the bride must wear the traditional Turkmen bridal dress called "gell'en." The dress consists of a brightly patterned, but thick dress and vest and huge amounts of jewelry. The bride wears, gold or sometimes silver arm length bracelets, a circular necklace the size of a small dinner plate that hangs from their neck, and a crown of silver and beads sometimes weighing as much as ten pounds on their head. All told, the jewelry can weigh up to twenty pounds. Then on top of the crown, the bride must wear a heavy brightly patterned shawl. The end effect is that due to the weight on top of their head the brides heads are pulled forward and toward the ground in a pose of humbleness.
When the bride arrives at the grooms families house she is walked through a corridor that is adorned with fertility flags and celebration signs marking that the house/apartment will be the scene of an upcoming wedding. The bride is then put into a room, where she can only be attended by her bridesmaids and the women of the grooms family. The idea behind this practice is that, the bride must remain isolated to make certain that she remains untainted by the wandering eyes of men that might pass through the house. Thus keeping the bride virtuous and clean.
The day of the wedding is something that proves to me that Turkmen communities are much closer than that of many American communities. The day starts with the women of the bride's family going around to the neighbors and asking the women to come help them prepare the feast. The neighborhood women respond in droves and descend on the house to help cook the mountains of plov (sometimes as much as 20lbs), the gallons of chorba (an oily soup filled with potatoes and meat), and salads for the toy that evening.
Then it is time for the toy procession. This is something that defies words and can truly only be understood once you see it, but I will try to describe it the best that I can. Basically, the procession consists of anywhere from six to sometimes as many as 15 cars with the passengers hanging flags out of the windows and honking and passing each other as much as possible while taking a driving tour of the city. There are no rules as to how many lanes this procession takes up, sometimes it includes two of the lanes of oncoming traffic. In the middle of the procession is the car, wrapped up in ribbon and wrapping paper making it similar to a giant Christmas present, that transports the bride and groom to the picture sites.
The actual taking of pictures is something that Turkmen and American weddings share. However, while American wedding pictures are generally taken in a place where nature adds to the beauty of the bride and groom, Turkmen wedding pictures are taken in front of the cities favorite monuments sometimes if there is enough time, they pose (not smiling out of respect for the tradition and the family) in front of giant landscapes of tropical backdrops of Hawaii like beaches or scenes of waterfalls that have a permanent place in front of the monuments for that exact purpose. The bride has traded in her gell’en wear for a bridal dress that is very similar to that of American brides. After the pictures are taken the bride and groom head to the Toyzal.
The bride and groom are then greeted by a soundtrack of Turkmen music blaring from the speakers and everyone in the room clapping in unison. I have even seen some toys were the bride and groom were proceeded by Turkmen girls waving sparklers. The set up for a Turkmen Toy depends on the setting, but without doubt there are five things that must be present:
1. There are no RSVP or Invitation only toys. Anyone that wants or hears about the toy can come and enjoy. This results in that everyone that knows someone related to the bride or groom can come. Thus resulting in entire neighborhoods coming to the toy, which from what I have seen results in no less than 300 people attending.
2. The men and women sit separately. The tables in which the women sit are filled with silently clapping and smiling Turkmen women, girls, and grandmothers. The tables in which the men and young guys sit are filled with vodka, cognac, toasts, cigarette smoke, and a lot of backslapping.
3. The bride and groom sit at a table in the front of the room and out of respect for the family are not smiling or trying to smile or express any emotion. The table is adorned with gifts from the visitors (stereos, vodka, fruit baskets, tea sets, unopened boxes, etc.)
4. There is a band of musicians (at the expensive toys) or lip-synchers that is set up in a corner at the front of the room that blares out a mixture of Turkmen traditional wedding songs and Turkmen/Russian pop songs.
5. There is a toast master, or MC, that introduces every break in the music with shouts of “Very good! Congratulations!” and introduces the next line of toast givers to the married couple.
After the entrance of the bride and groom, they dance. However, Turkmen dancing is completely different from an American wedding reception. In American receptions the bride and the groom lead the first dance and then the DJ or band plays a mix of rock, pop, or whatever type of music requested along with a couple of the classics (The Electric Slide, The Chicken Dance, etc.). In Turkmen toys, the bride stands in the middle of a circle of her girlfriends and they dance around her, since she out of respect for the families cannot show any expression. After the song is completed the groom takes his term standing in the middle of his guy friends as the dance around him celebrating the marriage. Once each of the groups of friends dance the bride joins the groom on the dance floor and they share a dance that makes a middle school dance look intimate. This is the last time that the bride and the groom will share the dance floor together.
The remainder of the night is filled with guys dancing with each other in a circle, the girls in another separate group, and toasts from anyone and everyone that wants to wish the couple well. Being an American, I am always asked to give a toast to the bride and groom both in Turkmen and then in English, regardless of the fact that 99 percent of the audience will not understand the latter. My favorite toast to give is, "Saglyk bolsun, Bagtly bolun, Agzerbirlik bolsun, we Kop Chagalar Bolsun," which roughly translates to "Good health, Much happiness, Long life, and many children."
At the end of the night, as the men stagger out and away from the Toyzal while the women of the toy gather up the children and help clean up the Toyzal.
The day after the wedding ceremony there is something that is called the stealing of the bride. Personally, I have not been privileged to see this ceremony, mostly because it is not something that men are allowed to see. From what I understand, the unwed women of the grooms family travel to the brides house. There awaiting them are the married women of the brides family. Then it is truly like Wrestlemania, middle aged Turkmen women full out wrestle and throw each other to the ground in order to get to the bride. The married women almost always win due to the weight difference between the two groups, but more importantly this part of the ceremony represents the passage and struggle the new bride faces from transferring from a girl to a newlywed woman.
For the next forty days, the bride in order to pay respect to her new family stays in the house. She can receive guests, but as a matter of respect she must ask the host father and mother-in-law if she can leave the house. Only after this period is she considered to be a member of the family.
Prologue
This past week marked an occasion that has never been done by PCVs while in service in Turkmenistan, two PCVs got married "sort of" twice in one night. Before I get to what actually happened at the wedding, I want to give you a better idea of what exactly is a Turkmen Toy (Turkmen word for wedding.)
Turkmenistan is a land where tradition and respect for what the elders of the family say carries much more weight than the individual opinion. While this may be true in certain aspects of life, there are still many people within Turkmenistan that fall in love, just as we do in the states, and then decide to get married. However, a majority of marriages here in Turkmenistan are arranged.
Before you jump to the conclusion that this practice is an infringement of personal freedom, think about something that one of my Turkmen friends recently said to me, "You, in America have so many marriages that end in divorce. The thing is that you in America you get to know the person, fall in love with them and then you get married. Then when you think that you no longer love that person it is time to move on. But here, there are many people that get married and then learn to fall in love with the person they married." I am not advocating either way, I just want to give you both sides of the story.
So the way, at least that I have learned that Turkmen men and women get married is the process that follows. A guy, depends on the age but generally ranges anywhere from 21 to 26 meets a girl that they like and then tells his parents. Oh keep in mind, that younger male siblings can not get married before the elder males do. There have been a couple of instances, like that of my host grandmother and grandfather from training that loved each other so much that they ran off together despite the feelings of their family. This resulted in much like a member of the Amish community choosing to live outside of the community, they were ostracized and left with nothing but what they had with them. Tales like this of romantic runaway newlyweds are far and few between here in Turkmenistan. However, there are many cases where both the girl and the guy want to get married, but in most cases that I have seen while here, the girl usually has to hide her feelings for the one that she loves unless the family approves of her marriage. Many times girls have to keep their boyfriend(s) secret from their family so as not to destroy the image of the virtuousness and cleanliness as a woman.
I find it interesting the reactions of Turkmen when I tell them that I am going back to the US in December because my little brother is getting married. Usually, I get a shake of the head as if telling me, those crazy Americans what will they do next.
Anyways, so after the eldest available son tells his parents that he is interested in a girl, the parents arrange a meeting with the girl's parents. At this meeting or interview as I like to call it, the parents talk about the traits of both the girl (can she cook, does she know how to keep house, etc.) and the guy (does he have a job, if so what type of a job, what type of car does he have, etc.) After it is agreed upon that the girl and the boy both have desirable traits for one another, the bargaining begins. Depending on the grooms family and the bride the initial price can range anywhere from $2,000 to $5,000+. This includes the dowry itself as well as jewelry and other possessions that the bride's family asks for, usually it is furniture or a car of some sort.
There are many that may think that the practice of giving a dowry or more blunt terms "buying" a bride is a way of subjugating women. However, if you think about it that the bride is a valuable work force around the house add to that the bride will be living with the grooms family and add to that this practice has been in place for centuries its a bit easier to understand why it happens.
After the price is settled, the planning for the wedding begins. The planning for a wedding is very similar to that of an American wedding. They have to find a place to have the wedding, usually this is at a Toyzal (translated into wedding center, but really its a banquet hall reserved for toys), finding someone to document the wedding, reserving the brides dress and preparing the food. You will notice that I did not include the finding of a preacher or justice of the peace to administer the wedding, this is because in Turkmen weddings there is no exchange of vows or the saying of "I do." But I am getting ahead of myself.
The dress of Turkmen weddings is something to behold. Several days before the wedding the bride must wear the traditional Turkmen bridal dress called "gell'en." The dress consists of a brightly patterned, but thick dress and vest and huge amounts of jewelry. The bride wears, gold or sometimes silver arm length bracelets, a circular necklace the size of a small dinner plate that hangs from their neck, and a crown of silver and beads sometimes weighing as much as ten pounds on their head. All told, the jewelry can weigh up to twenty pounds. Then on top of the crown, the bride must wear a heavy brightly patterned shawl. The end effect is that due to the weight on top of their head the brides heads are pulled forward and toward the ground in a pose of humbleness.
When the bride arrives at the grooms families house she is walked through a corridor that is adorned with fertility flags and celebration signs marking that the house/apartment will be the scene of an upcoming wedding. The bride is then put into a room, where she can only be attended by her bridesmaids and the women of the grooms family. The idea behind this practice is that, the bride must remain isolated to make certain that she remains untainted by the wandering eyes of men that might pass through the house. Thus keeping the bride virtuous and clean.
The day of the wedding is something that proves to me that Turkmen communities are much closer than that of many American communities. The day starts with the women of the bride's family going around to the neighbors and asking the women to come help them prepare the feast. The neighborhood women respond in droves and descend on the house to help cook the mountains of plov (sometimes as much as 20lbs), the gallons of chorba (an oily soup filled with potatoes and meat), and salads for the toy that evening.
Then it is time for the toy procession. This is something that defies words and can truly only be understood once you see it, but I will try to describe it the best that I can. Basically, the procession consists of anywhere from six to sometimes as many as 15 cars with the passengers hanging flags out of the windows and honking and passing each other as much as possible while taking a driving tour of the city. There are no rules as to how many lanes this procession takes up, sometimes it includes two of the lanes of oncoming traffic. In the middle of the procession is the car, wrapped up in ribbon and wrapping paper making it similar to a giant Christmas present, that transports the bride and groom to the picture sites.
The actual taking of pictures is something that Turkmen and American weddings share. However, while American wedding pictures are generally taken in a place where nature adds to the beauty of the bride and groom, Turkmen wedding pictures are taken in front of the cities favorite monuments sometimes if there is enough time, they pose (not smiling out of respect for the tradition and the family) in front of giant landscapes of tropical backdrops of Hawaii like beaches or scenes of waterfalls that have a permanent place in front of the monuments for that exact purpose. The bride has traded in her gell’en wear for a bridal dress that is very similar to that of American brides. After the pictures are taken the bride and groom head to the Toyzal.
The bride and groom are then greeted by a soundtrack of Turkmen music blaring from the speakers and everyone in the room clapping in unison. I have even seen some toys were the bride and groom were proceeded by Turkmen girls waving sparklers. The set up for a Turkmen Toy depends on the setting, but without doubt there are five things that must be present:
1. There are no RSVP or Invitation only toys. Anyone that wants or hears about the toy can come and enjoy. This results in that everyone that knows someone related to the bride or groom can come. Thus resulting in entire neighborhoods coming to the toy, which from what I have seen results in no less than 300 people attending.
2. The men and women sit separately. The tables in which the women sit are filled with silently clapping and smiling Turkmen women, girls, and grandmothers. The tables in which the men and young guys sit are filled with vodka, cognac, toasts, cigarette smoke, and a lot of backslapping.
3. The bride and groom sit at a table in the front of the room and out of respect for the family are not smiling or trying to smile or express any emotion. The table is adorned with gifts from the visitors (stereos, vodka, fruit baskets, tea sets, unopened boxes, etc.)
4. There is a band of musicians (at the expensive toys) or lip-synchers that is set up in a corner at the front of the room that blares out a mixture of Turkmen traditional wedding songs and Turkmen/Russian pop songs.
5. There is a toast master, or MC, that introduces every break in the music with shouts of “Very good! Congratulations!” and introduces the next line of toast givers to the married couple.
After the entrance of the bride and groom, they dance. However, Turkmen dancing is completely different from an American wedding reception. In American receptions the bride and the groom lead the first dance and then the DJ or band plays a mix of rock, pop, or whatever type of music requested along with a couple of the classics (The Electric Slide, The Chicken Dance, etc.). In Turkmen toys, the bride stands in the middle of a circle of her girlfriends and they dance around her, since she out of respect for the families cannot show any expression. After the song is completed the groom takes his term standing in the middle of his guy friends as the dance around him celebrating the marriage. Once each of the groups of friends dance the bride joins the groom on the dance floor and they share a dance that makes a middle school dance look intimate. This is the last time that the bride and the groom will share the dance floor together.
The remainder of the night is filled with guys dancing with each other in a circle, the girls in another separate group, and toasts from anyone and everyone that wants to wish the couple well. Being an American, I am always asked to give a toast to the bride and groom both in Turkmen and then in English, regardless of the fact that 99 percent of the audience will not understand the latter. My favorite toast to give is, "Saglyk bolsun, Bagtly bolun, Agzerbirlik bolsun, we Kop Chagalar Bolsun," which roughly translates to "Good health, Much happiness, Long life, and many children."
At the end of the night, as the men stagger out and away from the Toyzal while the women of the toy gather up the children and help clean up the Toyzal.
The day after the wedding ceremony there is something that is called the stealing of the bride. Personally, I have not been privileged to see this ceremony, mostly because it is not something that men are allowed to see. From what I understand, the unwed women of the grooms family travel to the brides house. There awaiting them are the married women of the brides family. Then it is truly like Wrestlemania, middle aged Turkmen women full out wrestle and throw each other to the ground in order to get to the bride. The married women almost always win due to the weight difference between the two groups, but more importantly this part of the ceremony represents the passage and struggle the new bride faces from transferring from a girl to a newlywed woman.
For the next forty days, the bride in order to pay respect to her new family stays in the house. She can receive guests, but as a matter of respect she must ask the host father and mother-in-law if she can leave the house. Only after this period is she considered to be a member of the family.
posted by Schirm 2605 | 4:41 PM
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